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I sleep with the bears & gators. [But it's Jess]
03 December 2008 @ 05:50 am

[ I imagine I would look like this to the frog, closing in on him ]

Long time, no rant, oui?

Is there a point going to bed?
I'll just lay awake again...
I haven't been sleeping properly for the last few weeks.
I'm still wide-awake and it's nearly 6 AM. And I have a plane to catch in a few hours time.

I fly to Melbourne today and I am a little less than thrilled.
I mean... I'm excited about going home finally after 4 years, but I don't want to see the people...
My old friends want to see me, but I don't want to see them.
I don't know, I'll decide when I'm on the plane whether or not I'll see them.

And I'm getting a EOS 50D for my 18th in a few weeks, which is good.
I'm keen to get started back into my trigger-happy self again.
Maybe then this self-doubt feeling will go?

And I have a feeling Lia will fall asleep on me, as usual, on the flight. -_-
And Casey will somehow get under my skin again during the trip in Melbourne.
I'm still annoyed at him because of Grad.

After I get back from Melbourne, I'm going to do a photo post.
From various occassions over the last few weeks.

Molly's Pre-17th Birthday
Lia's 17th Birthday
Dinner with friends

But for here's some photos from the Frog Session with Lia.
This frog was such a poser, camera whore at heart, I think.
And 'cause the internet is gay, the frog looks less than spectacular.
He's actually a really beautiful green, with bits of aqua.
But annoyed with the image below, seeing as it only chose to focus in on Lia, instead of both of them even though Lia and the frog were in the same focal length. -_-"
Oh well.
Read more...Collapse )
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: Crystal Castles + Playgroup
I sleep with the bears & gators. [But it's Jess]
25 September 2008 @ 11:51 pm
Hello world, how are you today? Good I hope.

I'm been kind of depressed a lot lately too and I don't like it. My perspective on things has changed a bit more, a little more obscure. I was looking through my French dictionary and found out that the word "laid" in French, means "Ugly". I laughed so hard for a solid 15 minutes and thought of all the people it had relevance to. It made my day. But that was yesterday... today was a whole different ball field.

Well, wouldn't you like to know... + photosCollapse )

I hope everyone is fine, and in good health and not stressing too much. And having a great holiday! One week has gone, practically. I do wish everyone the best of luck with next term etc. And that you all have a enjoyable and good holiday. :)
Everyone needs some lovin' and I hope you all get it.
Be safe.

Love Jess. xox.

[signing out]

"Raise your arms and self issues;
We refuse to sing the blues.
No more work and no more play.
We keep running, underground.
Keep the sounds of profound.
We prefer things simple pure;
Endless Leisure."

... I've noticed that most electronic songs make minimal sense. But it works. Most of the time.
Current Location: Lia's mouse >.>
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: Touch Me - Rui Da Silva
I sleep with the bears & gators. [But it's Jess]
Firstly, I know I am arrogant and a tool some of the time. Secondly, I've been cooking a hell of a lot and am attempting to revive my motivation to do better in the art verse. (to be continued later on.)
And thirdly; Marie, Lorene, Dimitri and Julian are coming up on the 22nd of September. So the Frenchies will land very, very soon. I'm scared and excited and mortified at the same time. I don't know if that's even possible. And it was Marie and I's 3 year anniversary... thing the other day. Which I rang her up for and she was pleased to hear from me, seeing as I hadn't spoken to her for a good solid week.

Plus, Lia has been speaking to Julian for nearly a month now and is all smitten with him...
I mean, I'm happy for her and all, but it's kind of annoying seeing as I get both her and his sulking if one of them is absent... -_-"
And I know Lia does it just to annoy me, the bitch. *sigh*

A mon'stah, just for youCollapse )

Sometimes, I think and wonder what I have done...
Most of the time, it feels like I've been caught and there's no denying it.
But other times, it feels like I have her wrapped around my finger with this illusion.
What should I do? What happens when she finds out and I have to break it off?
This visage I have created is spinning out of control faster than I anticipated.

Perhaps Lia is right and I am slowly going insane. But that's just optismism for you. : \
But atleast I'm not completely clinically insane yet. But it's a matter of time. Give me a few more years, I'll rippen then.

And there's a strange woman in my mother's bed... what should I do?
My mother brought her home at 2 am. She's a friend, a girl who works at the Rainbow...
She's a lesbian of course, her name is Kirsten. She also commented on my drawings and called me "cute"... me, of all people. What the hell is wrong with her? :\

I'm a little scared now. I'm not use to things like that.
Oh well, I'll get over it.

I hope everyone is fine, and in good health and not stressing too much.

Love Jess. xox.

I'll do that hug photo post sometime later, Ruby. Sorry you'll have to wait longer. :(
Current Location: In your skin. RAWR. (home)
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
Current Music: Wearing my Rolex - Wiley
I sleep with the bears & gators. [But it's Jess]
22 June 2008 @ 09:39 pm
[ It seems this was first posted as "private". So... yeah. Just s mis-match of the last 2 weeks ! Plus some things from today... ]

Long time, no update. Ja?
I woke up feeling quite happy and relieved, which is odd for me, considering the recent months have been... "challenging" and just reevaluating everything in my life, like where to go from here and who my real friends are. I think it's just that most things feel alright at the moment and I have some sort of direction mapped out, which is relieving, to say the least.

Yesterday was pretty enjoyable. Amber came home and we went out to Harvey Norman to check out some more lenses, seeing as she likes my opinion on things before she buys it. e.g: She brought a straight 50mm lens on Thursday night, but before hand I told her it was a good buy and would be handy for portraits. And it is! But the 50mm sucks at landscapes. So, I use the 18-55mm for them. Everything was so over exposed yesterday, it was so annoying! ><"

All up. Everything is okay right now. I mean, I'm just annoyed majority of the time, mostly at people and myself. And again, most relationships feel like breakable, not iron cladded, except for maybe a half a dozen of them. I hate acting and I know people can relate. And it feels like no one cares anymore, about anyone. I get scared sometimes and I'm told it's okay to be, but I think otherwise, 'cause it's new to me. Feels like vertigo all over again, and I'm afraid of heights. But that's some of the time, not all of the time.

I like feeling happy and content. I like just floating...
But I know one day I'll have to soar away like a bird to far off places.
As does everyone else. I hope everyone is well, truly.

I want to know if everything's okay with everyone, I'm still here you know.

Love, Jess. xox
Current Location: At home.
Current Mood: lovedgiddy like a school boy
Current Music: Nouvelle Vague + Trentemøller + GusGus
I sleep with the bears & gators. [But it's Jess]
10 May 2008 @ 11:27 pm
*hmm* I'm merely bored and sick of looking a photos I want to exploit in my library.
So, decided to do something constructive, not to mention time consuming... for my own satisfaction.
Just a real jumble of recent images and old images from the start of this year and the closing months of the previous.
People seem to come in and out, like the metro.
You do get battered after awhile though... that's where the cuts and bruises are from.

For starters, I got one of these gems today (it's so pretty, it hurts).
Amber and I are contemplating what lens to get it, seeing as the 18-55mm looks so dicky on it, not to mention out of proportion to the body of the 30D. No joke.
The only thing I've found retarded about the camera is the fact that most of the shots I've taken have so much noise.
I personally think it's the lens, 'cause the lens that usually comes with the 30D is a EF-S17-85mm f4-5.6 IS USM, which has an built-in Image Stabilizer.
I remember using Casey's 30D and the pictures were perfect, no noise or anything what so ever with the 17-85mm lens. I'll keep fiddling till I figure the problem out.
But, it's technically "Amber's camerah", but we both know I'll use it more, like I did when we got the 350D.
& I think I'm in love with the monochrome setting on the camera, as well as the filter settings...
Took some test shots on Kaiser while he was lazin' on undercover carport area.

He's my own Darth Vadar... he's so cuddly. Best dog, ever.
(I watched Star Wars: Return of the Jedi today... he was laying beside me the whole time)

Morning dew from outside my window yesterday morning...
A couple I barely knew in an evening long since past.
And Danny during Media Arts.

ChillllllllllyyyCollapse )

And I wish I could take better landscape/scenic shots... :(
I hope things go well, for everyone I care about and other people too.
I miss certain people and am left wondering what happened.
Oh well, no point dwelling on the past. Never got me anywhere.
Au revoir.

And Happy Mother's day.

[Signing out]
Current Location: On my bed
Current Mood: contentpassive
Current Music: Transfatty Acid - Lamb
I sleep with the bears & gators. [But it's Jess]
THIS ENTRY IS A REAL JUMBLE OF THE LAST 2 WEEKS! (but text wise is based around the last week)

Well, I thought I'd update or something... seeing as thought I haven't in such a long while. Not that anyone cares, I sure as hell don't. But it gives me something to do, I suppose... Plus, I have a massacre of photos to show. And I'll only update when I feel the need. So maybe in another 11 weeks or so. Depending.

I've got all of Hollywood on my toothpaste and nothing seems dim-lit or otherwise spontaneous, oddly enough. I've conspired against an seemingly erroneous thought, and even though everything seems... perfect. For the time being, but I know it's just the honeymoon stage. It's just like the calm before the storm.

The mongrel dog I call Jasper. :)

Though, today was pretty good. Best day so far. Spent it with my new pet, Lia. Shoved a camera in her face every chance I got. She didn't mind actually, but got me back eventually. I got the bruises to prove. I checked in to see Amber and give to the Feed-Estee foundation. Saw the rest of the Tandy crew and said hello to Christina. And now I finally know what the 'stoner boy' Tim looks like. We also saw the a film, The Other Boleyn Girl. Which was pretty good, it was well worth the $11 I paid, Lia agreed. Lia should also stop being so flirty... but then again, I lap it up and serve it back. The conversation just flows too and it's good because she'll listen and then tell me what's up with her and yeah. The exchange is good.

Plus, this holidays I plan to get to know how to handle my dSLR better. I want to use that book and learn how to get the best out of what is in front of me, because I am willing to learn and pay attention. Because I think it's one of the few things I'm good at and what I actually fucking give a damn about.

I am not nor do I claim to be the best Photographer ever. That's just egotistical and stupid.

Unfortunetly, the sensor on the camera needs to be cleaned and I'm too afraid to attempt to clean it, so is Amber. We'll have to send it to CANON sometime. These little pieces of dust are on the sensor and are pissing me off to no ends. They ruin my landscape shots and appear whenever they like. Like this one below. It's so fucking annoying!

Look at that?! The fucking sensor is DIRRRRTY.
Looks like a scratched processed film fuck-up. But like the ghost effect all the same.


I've also contemplated breaking up with Marié... for the third time this year. -_-
I just hate not being able to have PHYSICAL CONTACT! It's just not the same! AND IT HURTS!!! And people who have NEVER been in a long-distance relationship have no idea the pain of this fact and have NO IDEA what it's like, so don't judge us people. If so, you can just ALL GO TO HELL. I'm sick of it.
Plus, people need breaks... well, I need them. So I'm on leave at the moment. But just for a week. I'm glad someone understands what it feels like, it's refreshing and I like not being scrutinized. I dislike the fact people undermine factual existence. Makes my blood boil.

On a brighter note:
I've recently turned 17.
Nothing feels different, just ordinary.
But I was pleased with the end result of the day, I was happy by the end of it and the new day greeted me with splendor and warmth. It truly did. I found myself taking into the morning to Danny, we did have 2 other troopers, but they eventually fell victim to Dream. DAMN YOU, MORPHEUS!! But overall, it would have to be the best birthday I've had so far. The company was good and that's all I needed to make it a good memory. (I attached some photos, a requested ages ago from the 'event')

Minus Casey, sadly. He had to work... :(
But he was there in spirit! Plus, I saw him anyway at his work, so it was good.
He makes everything seem better. Though he's a wanker majority of the time, but I'm his equal in that sense. That's why we put up with eachother so much. Mucho love.

from thine birthdayCollapse )

Relationships seem overrated and we don't know when to stop or where the boundaries are... it's like baking a cake, if you cook it for too long, it'll burn. So many relationships feel like that at the moment, but that is partly my fault.

I've also decided to enter University as a 'mature' (I use this term lightly) aged student, because I want to live and explore for a while, as well as just figure what the fuck to do first! Sort everything out firstly, then set up the rest gradually. It's not like I'm in a rush, I don't know what I'm going to be... I know where I'm going and who I'm going too, but nothing else is certain. Like the dimly lit street lamps of REBELLION! Pffft. Losers.

otherCollapse )

Painting is a tedious and annoying process. But I get paid for it.
I'll be having lunch with Megan sometime in the week to discuss my commissions.

And it's Amber's birthday this Friday and she expects a Picasso out of me. She's dreaming.
But we're going bowling so, that'll be fun.
Breakfast with father tomorrow. Hope Amber can stomach it.


+ enjoy the photos. We'll look back on this and laugh, Jess. We truly will.

p.s: Why can't I do those LJ cuts?!! It NEVER works! >:[

[Signing out]
Current Location: In a safe place
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: Trentemøller+Swayzak+GusGus
I sleep with the bears & gators. [But it's Jess]
I need to prep for surgery. Did you know that doctors use sledge hammers for hip surgeries?
Oh yeah, like the ones they use for construction sites and shit. They use those to remove hips. Its the only thing strong enough to loosen the bone. Freaky, uh?

Today was good. It was one of those days I miss, when its just my sister and me. No one else. I am content, I am safe, when I am with my sister. We don't hide things, we don't bottle things; we are ourselves and we are not afraid. We shopped, laughed, ridiculed everything we exposed ourselves to. I think thats what a sisters' relationship is suppose to be like, though my father thinks we are 'too clingy'. That insulted Amber a lot and annoyed me. What's wrong with our relationship being close? *frowns*

We went on a shopping rampage it seemed. Tearing through stores like; Just Jeans (she brought me a shirt from there ^^), Esprit, Portmans, Jeans West, Bras 'n Things (ugh), Garricks (yesss!), Gloria Jeans (holy fuck, YES!), Target (meh) and of course, the jackpot Myers. (Oh how we love Myers)
In Garricks: we order another eye-piece for Cornelius, as the one we had has gone missing, mysterious... But it has been for awhile, since last year. : \
We also brought a proper camera bag to play host to our beloved, its cosy and snug. Fits everything we got with him. Amber and I are still eying off those 40Ds though, oh man, beautifully crafted. If anything ever goes wrong with him, we're upgrading to that. *nods*
While in Garricks, I asked again about the Neutral Density filters and yet again, the staff are useless. I'd expect the staff to know things about cameras if they work in a fucking CAMERA SHOP!!? and all those neat attachments you can buy for a 58mm... gah. Peoples' incompetence annoys me, as does burnt coffee.

Can't believe I Photobooth'd and enjoyed it. -_-
And you can't half tell we're are related, can you?

There's only two things I love more than myself (that aren't living, of course);
Rufus and Cornelius. *nods* They are non-breathing and aesthetically pleasing. That and they're both extremely good-looking.
Mostly because I regulate my days around them both, and I know they'll always be there when I need them.
And yes, we engage in coversation regularly, like I did with my beloved Kevin. (Death threats are always on the board of legitimately and are served daily).
And yeah, Jess needs to get out more. I am feeling unrealistically arty at the moment, maybe its the exposure to Toulouse-Lautrec. Ohhhh, how I do love French prostitutes (well, French people in general, it seems). The over-exposure is inspiring me to paint and draw. And making me excited about Europe, then again everything about Europe is exciting.
Like my partner, I miss her so much. :(

Best facial expression I ever pulled, exactly like the retarded chocobos on VG cats.

In the Photoshop'n verse;
Heres' what I've been working on at the moment... from a dream sequence/New Years. (Hard to explain)
Its far from done, but I am please with her. She looks exactly how I imagined her. But I still have all of Paris to paint and that man looks rubbery still and has some serious closet vampire issues. Why do I give myself such tedious asks? : \

In the latest family news;
I hate my family and its never ending problems and standards. Just when we're travelling Ok, someone has to just fuck it up. Thanks dad. Thanks for everything, just go up and leave like you did before. Move back to Melbourne, thats fine. We don't need you anymore.

Too busy getting caught up in yourselves again, just like in Melbourne, hey, mother & father? Amber raised us, in short; she raised me. She grew up too fast, she had resposibilities that weren't her's and other things way before she hit puberty. I was her responsibility and I am the way I am because of my sister, and I am thankful. She influences everything and I'm just realizing how big a part of my life she is. And she said she 'won't know what to do when I move to Europe' and it makes me sad, because I will be leaving my life behind basically when I pack up and go.

I had to have my bitter bitch because I really do hate my family environment at the moment and I have all the other personal shit accumulating in the back burner and its going to boil over soon, think of the destruction of the southern hemisphere or maybe not to that magnitude, but pretty damn close. Or perhaps like a volcano or something. BOOOOOM! I wish people would be upfront and not have to lie all the time in my family and I wish, just for once that my family wouldn't see me as my father and treat me like they do my sister. Am I that much of an outcast? Or do I remind you that much of my father that you feel obliged to treat me this way?
Family standards suck and I hate having to hide what I am until I am away from them all. (meaning my preference and ongoing relationship with Marié)

I hate seeing the truth in people. I hate growing up and realizing peoples' flaws. Like gaining responsibilities you don't need.
Then again, thats part of growing up. Grin and bare it, we must.

On a brighter note; me and my partner are talking again. I have forgiven her. And everything is fine. For now. Nothing is ever certain in long-distance relationships. Its like the hunting season and your a bird. If you're caught out flying in the open, you pretty much dead or badly wounded. Like Bambi's mother.

Also, mother thinks my behaviour is off. Like something is wrong or I am not myself. (which is not fair from the truth...) Even Casey noticed but said it was an act. Not impressed, Casey. Then again we haven't spoke or spent a real amount of time together since the 24th of December to be honest. Thats when things weren't iced over and awkward. I miss the warmth and calm we had, what the fuck happened?

And she keeps trying to poke and prod it out of me. I'm like a turtle, I go closed shelled. And she's not helping at the moment. She's the last person I want to confine anything in because she can't keep her mouth shut and especially with my problems.

Oh Jess, aren't you a funny little bird? *frowns*
Watch out 2008. Lets get ready to crash and burn in the atmosphere. Woo. :|
Current Location: A safe place (my room)
Current Mood: weirdweird
Current Music: La Musique - Riot in Belgium